Grace and Choice

I haven’t understood a bar of music in my life, but I have felt it.
Igor Stravinsky

I will tell you what works for me when everything just seems overwhelming.

Music!

The powers of music is so underrated until you actually feel the effect on a deeper level. I can firmly say it surpasses the effect of meditation. Close your eyes, make it loud and just listen. Just flow into its rhythms and let it sip into your soul after which you come out restored.

Its almost like a warning sign for me. Once I start feeling the need to listen to slow, almost sad, reflective music I know i need to take a deep breath and regroup before it dives into a depressive state. So, I do just that!, I let go, close my eyes, have the volume up and just listen to the likes of Mumford and Sons, Bon Iver, Andrew Belle, Sleeping at last etc. It takes a while, but after that I find the extra strength to dot my l’s

If you haven’t tried it, you should!

Thinking……

It is much easier to say people are different that actually acknowledging the fact. My motto in life has always been ‘treating people the way I want to be treated’ and that is causing some philosophical problems for me.

Even if people are different, I believe, there are certain thing e.g behaviors in life that remains constant in every human. My personal experience with friendship has put me in some sort of dilemma as I question the essence of friendship and my assumed open-mindedness.

“doing that sounds okay to you?”

“yeah, why”

“cause i find it ridiculous and disappointing”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, that just the way I am…..I do the same thing with other friends!”

“and they have no problem with that?”

“no, everybody is different and that’s me”

“okay, right……….!”

what happens when what you seem to think is open knowledge in reference to friendship is actually not open at all? do you reevaluate or just forget the friendship? asking for a friend!

One and the Other

When men stop believing in God, it isn’t that they then believe in nothing: they believe in everything.

UMBERTO ECO, Foucault’s Pendulum

There is one and the other,

but the one is the other.

It is known that the one created

the other

Hence, the other is part of the one.

Yet, there are tales of believes in the one

but not the other.

In fact, the believe in the one is stronger

than the believe in the other.

It is best to know that there is the other in everyone of us,

but the one keeps us from the other.

Knowing the one and the other, brings understanding to chaos.

Unfinished

I know the sag of the unfinished poem. And I know the release of the poem that is finished.
Mary Oliver

Usually, before I come up with a story to write or plan, it first begins with a conversation in my head. It could be a conversation between two or more people, and the content of this conversation would eventual be the base of the whole story. The rest of the story is then built around the conversation. I would admit that sometimes the story hits a deadlock and other times it just flourishes, anyway here is one of those conversations.

boy, where do I start….I still haven’t found what I was looking for, but the feeling is still there. That nudge toward peaceful emptiness. The ‘it’ that you can sense it coming, but doesn’t seem to ever arrive. I feel….no, I know something is coming, might not be bad but not entirely good either.

“you need to quit with the drinking” she said to me for the hundredth time

“hey, leave me just this one vice, every man needs to be weak to something else they ain’t human.” I think to myself, our weakness is the very essence of humanity, else we would be like animals who maul’s it fellow animal with little or no remorse….”at least I don’t do drugs ehnn…”

she just stared at me without saying a word, cause her weakness is a weight she rather carry herself.

Glorious Chaos

Ever felt at peace right in the middle of chaos? like feeling some sort of calmness or out-of-body experience while a group of people argue around you? I have and I gotta tell ya, its glorious!

Took a short flight recently, and the turbulence was very persistence. I was getting really scared and i though to myself….”If this plane is gonna plunge, might as well not hear it happen”, so i said a quick prayer, plugged my headphones in with the volume at its peak. I closed my eyes and listened to “Sweet Nothing by Florence & machine ft Calvin Harris” while I awaited my impending death. I could feel the non-ending shaking of the plane, but my head space was stellar!  The mixture of fear and peace was such a glorious nuance even if it was in the mist of chaos.

btw so happy to be writing again!

Hazy

You can’t see clearly if you don’t stop crying.

It’s 2:00am, and am still up,

happens most times, so am not surprised.

It getting more frequent, and am getting worried!

every time I close my eyes, I play the same scene

over and over.

The weird part of this mess,

It hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t know how to stop it, I don’t know this people.

Am I to blame for this disaster to come, I wonder.

Oxygen reminds me of what’s to come.

HOME; Family.

fam·i·ly
noun: family; plural noun: families
1.
a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.

“Hey dad.”

“Hey, baby! How’s school going? Miss home already? Want me to come pick you up? I won’t tell your mum”

“Haha.., yes dad, I miss home, but not coming home yet. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Oh, is something wrong?”

“Nothing serious, I just wanted to ask if I could get a room off campus? I know it not really safe or what we talked about, but the walls are really thin. Music is not allowed after light out, and I woke my friend up last night from my nightmare.” I explained.

“Oh.” he voiced. His always uncomfortable about these things, and that’s exactly why I called him instead of my mom.

“But, what if the same happens in the new place?” he reasoned.

“I thought about that, and that why am going to find a room with thick walls with a little distance from the other roommate or I won’t move out.”

“Hmm, I don’t like this idea, and your mom is definitely not going to like it.”

“I know, but I really don’t want to wake people up every night.”

“And you don’t wanna go see someone about this dreams.” he argued.

“Nothing yet dad, plus they’re just dreams.”

“When will it be, pup.” using his nickname for me.

He was quiet for a while. He hates that I don’t talk to someone about my dreams, but I argue that am fine because truly I am. Am not scared of the dark, I willing chose to be friendly, and I don’t have any other emotional problems aside from the scary dreams; it might sound weird, but am happy to come out with just bad dreams. I don’t think I’m emotionally, or physically strong enough to let myself remember my past. Deep down I know I had a horrible past, I see the result everyday when I look at my sister, but I don’t remember the exact details. The doctors that talked to my parents said my brain has chosen to repress the bad memory, and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Amara, my sister was adopted when she was eleven, and she started seeing a therapist immediately, courtesy of our parents. Although, they were trying to help, but the sessions had the opposite effect on her. Ama doesn’t talk, only on very, very rare occasion. Whatever she remembered scared her to silence. She is terrified of sudden sounds ,new people, open space and so on. Now you understand why I am happy with just bad-dreams, at least I get to live my life without fear.

“Alright, pup! Lemme talk with your mom about it” he finally said.

“Ok, thanks dad.” I replied knowing I have gotten my way.

“You wanna talk to your sister’s or brother?” he asked.

“Bow have been texting me nonstop, and I face-timed ama a few hours ago, is shel’s there?”

“Yh!, here he comes, love you pup”

“Love you too da-da.”

“Hey grace” Sheldon practically yelled in my ears.

“Hey buddy! How you doing, miss me yet?” We made a bet that he was gonna miss very much, pretty soon.

“Psst! Are you a controller, and will jump when I press the buttons?
“What are yo…..Oh, your stupid video game.”

“Yep, I didn’t even noticed you left the house, where did you go again?”

“Haha! Very smooth lil bro, very smooth, but I miss you tho..”

“Yeah, whatever.” he said timidly. His ten and he is already acts like a typical male.

“Alright kid, when mum get home tell her “I miss you” what did I say?”

“To tell mum “I miss you””

“Ha! You said it.”

“NO, I didn’t…..I was just saying what you said.”

“Same difference bro, gotta go now, love you..Ha! You said it” I hanged-up without giving him a chance to reply.

 

**Note to self**

Start looking for apartments.

Bad-ass Joe

bad·ass
ˈbadˌas/
noun
1.
a tough, uncompromising, or intimidating person.

“Let go!.” Davis yelled.

“It too late man, there is no saving him now that they have him.” Ceal replied knowing he was talking to deaf ears.

“Am not letting that bastard go this time. Let go!” Davis basically ordered.

“Listen, all we can do now is fucking pray and wait.”

“Am Catholic. I don’t pray, I just ask for forgiveness after.” he snared as he walked out. Well I guess we are the bloody cavalry then, Ceal thought to himself as he followed behind.